For This Couple, Prop. 8 Marriage Ruling Is Personal

When a federal appeals court put gay marriages on hold in California indefinitely while it considers the constitutionality of Prop. 8, it was considered an unfortunate setback, but something gay Californians would ultimately overcome.

The decision came in the wake of federal Judge Vaughan Walker's historic overturning of the referendum that rendered another court's ruling that gay marriage should be legal in the Golden State. After Walker's ruling, marriage bureaus across the sprawling state began preparing (once again) to issue same-sex licenses. The state's attorney general and even its Republican governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, agreed that marriages should proceed.

It's easy to see such a setback in abstract legal terms. But for Joe Rivera and David Rohloff, the issue is personal. And the price can be measured in lost food, marriage license fees, travel and time off work for friends and relatives -- not to mention the emotional roller coaster.

The couple live in San Francisco, where Joe works as a real estate agent and David is a visual merchandising retail consultant. They "met cute" as they say, on Halloween four years ago at the Lookout, a popular local club. "I was a sailor and he was an interesting-looking devil," Joe recalls.

Six months later, they moved in together. They began talking about marriage after a few years of cohabitation. Last Christmas, they began solid plans to have a wedding. The tentative date: Oct. 10, 2010; that would have made it a year-and-a-half since their engagement.

"That was the original plan," David notes. "Then we said, 'Let's just wait.'"

"I wanted to do it once it was legal," Joe adds.

In retrospect, the couple now realizes that they should have jumped during that all-too brief window between the original judge's ruling that gay couples could wed and the passage in November 2008 of Prop. 8. But they didn't feel ready at that time. And besides, who knew that Californians would vote to deny them their right to legally be together?

The two men have spent a lot of time lately watching and reading news reports. On Monday, Aug. 16, the news was grim. On Thursday, Aug. 12, when it looked as though Walker's decision to allow marriages would be stayed, "Joe had gone online to get the marriage certificate and nail the ceremony spot," says David. "That Monday, we looked ready. Then, two minutes later, we heard his [Walker's] ruling wouldn't be lifted."

This was one of at least three times the men had gotten a marriage license, only to have it cancelled -- at a cost of $100 (nonrefundable, thank you) per license. Friday, Aug. 12, the two men spent the day sending out invitations, planning the wedding feast, picking up the food.

This was one of three parties that ended up being cancelled -- with 100 guests left out in rain along with that proverbial cake. That's 100 people who took time off from their jobs, who planned to drive -- or, in the case of David's family, which lives on the East Coast, to fly -- into the city.

The two rushed to try to get married inside the window Walker had left open by his decision to allow gay marriages. They planned a wedding in seven days; no mean feat for anyone who's been involved in such an affair. A friend made the cake. Others provided flowers. Still others helped with the food. Fortunately, Bi-Rite, the local store where they had contracted the catering, was understanding.

The two remain optimistic that eventually they will be able to tie the knot in the nation's most populous and important state. But they're frustrated. And angry.

"Its all this back and forth," Joe sighs, "not knowing what's going to happen. We look at our straight counterparts and ask, 'Why are we so different?'"

They had considered traveling to one of the states where gay marriage is legal, such as Iowa or Vermont. But they ultimately decided they wanted to have their friends witness the ceremony. Besides, they reason, it's their right to get married in the state and city where they live.

"We spent today figuring out what to use up and what to return," David tells me on Aug. 17. "Our game is to watch what is happening in the court of appeals. For now, we have to wait until December," when the court plans to hear the case.

"I keep telling myself I wouldn't do a rush-rush again," he says, "but if I get an opportunity to marry my Joe, I'd do it fast. I told my family on the East Coast, 'I'll celebrate with you later, but we have to do it as quickly as we can.'"